Published on Jul 17, 2002
So, this is one of the most popular heavy metal acts out there
these days, I understand.
I am a fan of heavy music in general – no matter the era, as
long as it is well composed and performed. Note that I used the
term “music”, which can hardly be applied when describing
Slipknot’s second album,
Iowa, released in 2001.
Before I continue, I just want to make clear that I am not a
close minded, stuffy, jaded, conservative old geezer who pines for
the “glory days” of old 70’s and 80’s metal…I listen to music of
all genres and generations, and constantly expose myself to the
newest sounds coming out of today’s youth.
But this cd is purely abysmal.
Rarely before have I subjected myself to drivel of such
astounding proportions. For the first time in my life, thoughts of
suicide gave me feelings of hope to end my misery while sitting
through this, track by track.
Iowa is the recorded equivalent of Chinese water torture –
the irritation is constant, relentless, and seemingly infinite. I
could even picture Tony Robbins wanting to off himself to escape
the infernal noise.
Noise. Not something I use particularly often when describing
music, but in this case nothing could be more apt, really. It is a
simple, unavoidable fact that one can only play so fast and so
heavy before melody degrades into a tuneless cesspool of
nonsensical distortion, at which point I might as well go hang out
in an automobile stamping facility for the same privilege.
How can any sane carbon based denizen of the planet known as
Earth possibly find any enjoyment in this so called album of music?
Sonic defecation is what I call it. Heh, I bet the band would not
be above using that as a future album title, and what a fitting
description of their all encompassing mediocrity it would be.
Slipknot seems to have a set pattern that they repeat in every
song, without fail – a brief intro that very quickly explodes into
a predictable fury of double bass drumming, laughable gutteral
growling followed by hoarsely screamed vocals, and sludgy guitar
riffs that are so low that they sound out of tune and so stupid and
simplistic that you’ll undoubtedly get a burning desire to
violently snatch the band’s guitars away from them only to place
them in the backyard outside at night with the reassuring knowledge
that the scavenging neighbourhood racoons will provide more
interesting riffage by unknowingly stampeding over the strings
while gleefully sniffing each others anuses.
While listening to the pathetic repetition that is to be found
on every track, I almost feel sorry for the band members, seeing
how embarrassing it all is to hear. I certainly would be entirely
ashamed of myself to be found in such an atrocious outfit. Then I
remind myself that they are on a major label and one of the most
popular metal acts out there these days among the uneducated 12 –
18 year old demographic, at which point my state of near-sympathy
quickly reverts back to the appropriate revulsion.
Such overly-adrenalized aggression becomes meaningless without
creative melodies to present their musical vision – or maybe this
is all that they are capable of. Seems to me like Slipknot
compensates for a lack of songwriting ability by making their
“music” as cartoonishly violent and over the top as possible, and
I’m only talking about the sound! Never mind the fact that the
members all perform in a variety of cheesy horror masks.
As for the lyrics, they are hardly any better than the noise.
Typical profanity laced violent and angry lashing out at the cruel
world nonsense. Suburban teenage shopping mall angst. I’ll bet more
than a few of the band members were recruited straight out of
Wal-Mart for this gig.
And what’s with having NINE people in this band anyway? What the
hell do they do? 99% of the time you’ll only hear a screaming
vocalist, a hyperactive drummer, a rhythm guitarist banging out the
mind numbing riffs, a second guitarist adding screeching, odd
guitar effects on top, and now and then you’ll be able to detect
the presence of a bassist (although with the guitars already tuned
down so low to the point where blowing on the strings would make
them flap wildly in the air, you wonder why they’d bother with bass
at all). That’s five. From having the misfortune of experiencing
their live set at Ozzfest 2001, I know that the band also includes
a turntablist, although the only scratching I heard on
Iowa was a few brief seconds during one of the extremely
rare and brief quieter moments, during the song “Skin Ticket”.
There’s also a percussionist, which basically means he occasionally
bangs two pieces of metal together, but what’s the point of
including a role like that in a band where such a person’s work is
almost entirely inaudible? That leaves two more people, one of
which I’m assuming must work with keyboards or other electronic
devices to toss in the strange noises that manage to peek through
the carnage. For all I know, the last guy’s function may be to
provide orifices for the relief of sexual tension – no groupie
would stoop to servicing these bozo clowns.
Muhahaha – leave it to a band with the collective IQ of a
toadstool to split the profits nine ways.
I’d just like to recap by saying that I appreciate most forms of
dark and heavy music, but for my tastes it must at least contain
skillful musicianship and/or intelligent arrangements. If you feel
the same, then do not even think of Slipknot. I only paid three
dollars for the cd brand new, which is as close to a free cd as
you’ll get unless someone just gives it to you (which is highly
likely in this case), and I still feel like I got jipped. However,
if you’re just looking for no frills headbanging as a form of
tension release, then maybe
Iowa is the thing for you, because if nothing else, it
certainly will rip your ass off.
You know, Slipknot reminds me a lot of Gwar, a parody band that
purposely indulges in the most ridiculous metal cliches for the
sake of humour, and believe me, there were many points throughout
Iowa where I would have burst out laughing if it wasn’t so
utterly ugly sounding. A good example of this humour
(unintentional, in Slipknot’s case) is during “The Heretic Anthem”,
when the singer screams “If I’m 555, then you’re 666!!!” I’m afraid
though that Slipknot are quite dead serious about this venture, and
that is the real tragedy.