Published on Nov 30, 1999
At last! Now I know what I can buy for people I don’t like this
Christmas!
Each year around this time, there are a plethora of Christmas
albums that make their way into the stores. Some of them prove to
have some lasting power; others quietly fade into the background,
along with the careers of those who recorded them. Consider this:
New Kids On The Block recorded a Christmas album. ‘Nuff said.
Then there are the albums that just should never have been
recorded in the first place. Into this category falls Ringo Starr’s
ill-advised release
I Wanna Be Santa Claus, a disc that gives you the same
feeling as overdoing it on the eggnog and anise cookies each year.
The end result isn’t pretty. In fact, the only thing I can think of
that would be more painful is an album featuring William Shatner
singing Hannukah songs. (“Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel… [long
dramatic pause]… I made you… out of… clay… SPOCK!”)
Starr – who looks uncannily like Frank Zappa in the album
artwork — seems to want to recapture the production capabilities
that Phil Spector utilized in magical ways. Unfortunately, while
Spector made it sound hip, Starr bungles it with poor musical
selections that sound 30 years out of date. From the opening track
“Come On Christmas, Christmas Come On,” you know that this isn’t
going to be an easy sledding day.
Oh, make no mistake, I got through every painful note of
I Wanna Be Santa Claus – not that I didn’t think about
jumping in front of a speeding bus midway through the album. I
mean, where do I begin playing Scrooge with this disc? Could it be
at the calls of “Do it for Jesus! Jesus loves you!” in the middle
of “Christmas Time Is Here Again” (well, at least someone
remembered just what the holiday is supposed to be about)? The
inclusion of bagpipes —
bagpipes?!? — in “The Little Drummer Boy”? Or maybe it was
the half-ass drum solos in the same song? Maybe it was the
pointlessness of a song like “The Christmas Dance” that served
absolutely no purpose in promoting the holiday? Or maybe it was
hiding the exclamation “Oh, shit!” in the background just before
“Christmas Time Is Here Again” — yeah, Ringo, real friggin’
appropriate for the season.
Don’t even get me started on “White Christmas” — cripes, with
the inclusion of Carribean steel drums, it feels like Starr and
crew recorded this one in Jamaica. Hey, guys, if you really want a
white Christmas, get your asses back up here and freeze with the
rest of us, okay? Hypocrites.
It’s not even that Starr comes close to respectability on
I Wanna Be Santa Claus. From the inclusion of pedal steel
guitar on “Blue Christmas” to the weak attempt at humor on “Rudolph
The Red-Nosed Reindeer” (or did he honestly screw up the lyrics?),
this disc just falters on each step. And while I’ve always been
willing to defend Starr to a point – hey, I actually liked the
single “Weight Of The World” — his vocals just are not strong
enough to carry this album. Even on the one track that could have
been something — “Christmas Eve” — Starr’s vocals drag the song
down to obscurity.
Same thing goes for “Dear Santa,” which could be Starr’s answer
to the late John Lennon’s “Merry Xmas (War Is Over).” Out of all
the drivel that makes up this album, this actually has a message
that could make you feel warm and fuzzy – if only there was a
stronger vocal backing up the message.
There are certain things about Christmas that are forgettable,
just like the fruitcake you got back in 1987 that somehow made its
way back into your gift pile this year. (Whoops, sorry – didn’t
mean to give away what one of your gifts was… forget I said
anything.) And as much as I hate to dump on a Christmas album,
I Wanna Be Santa Claus is one of those things that’s best
left buried in the background. If Starr is sincere about his
declaration, I’d advise Kris Kringle to get a restraining
order.