Published on Oct 20, 2001
Damn, what’s wrong with my cd player…I put in
Constrictor and it seems that the repeat function is stuck.
Oh no, wait a minute, the player is fine; the
music is the problem!
After listening to
Constrictor, you’ll no doubt wonder if you just listened to
one of those cd singles with ten mixes of the same song, because
even though I see ten different song titles on the back, all I hear
is the same crappy track over and over until my head is close to
implosion from the sheer stupidity about each and every last aspect
of this so-called music.
It’s just unbelievable…can this abomination possibly have been
crafted by the same genius whose previous studio album was the
superb
Dada?? Only three years separate the two, but they are light
years apart in terms of quality.
After completing the criminally ignored Dada in 1983, Cooper
took off some time to recover from a serious relapse into
alcoholism. When he emerged in 1986 fully clean and sober, he
unveiled his master plan to reclaim the throne of rock: a modern
rock album with a tough, up to date sound, and finally the return
of not only the huge theatrical live spectacle of his 70’s heyday,
but finally stepping back into his classic “ghoul” image for the
first time since about 1979. It seemed like a comeback that could
not fail!
But it did. And how, at least in the creative sense. To be fair,
the tour was a wonderous return to the old days of over the top
theatrical horror and was a big success, but the album that
accompanied it,
Constrictor, is a unmitigated disaster from the first second
to the last note.
Wow. You’d think an exceptionally talented veteran artist like
Alice would have a certain standard of quality below which he could
not dip, but this release makes a complete belly flop into the
fecal cesspool that was the mid 80’s hair-metal scene.
Every last shitty song here sounds exactly the same as the
others. The supremely generic guitar riffs are all interchangeable,
and I guarantee that you’ve heard them all a million times before
and since…this Rambo-clone/human ape Kane Roberts is one of the
worst guitarists I’ve ever heard. His playing doesn’t even approach
anything resembling innovation or a distinct personality…and his
solos are the stereotypical 80’s kind of blistering scales that
ignore the concept of melody. Yup, he’s a prime example of one of
those wankers who thought he was the next Eddie Van Halen. Pardon
my snicker.
Then there’s the drumming. Purely abysmal. Same godamn beat on
every song, and it’s that cliches 80’s metal drumming: monotone
beat with a very loudly pronounced hit on the snare drum on every
backbeat. It’s like a sonic version of Chinese water torture.
Let’s see, what’s my next victim…ah yes, Alice himself. I
really love the guy, but this stuff is unforgivable. The lyrics are
so terrible that it seem inconceivable that he wrote them. “Where
were you when the monkey hit the fan/Thrill my gorilla!” is a
shining example of a man whose creative juices seem to have flowed
into the sewer. But hey, that didn’t stop the single (and featured
track in the classic film
Friday the 13th, Part 6: Jason Lives “He’s Back” from
hitting number one on the charts in Sweden.
For the first time Alice Cooper became a cliche and a parody of
himself without the wit or humour to acknowledge it. Seems like he
sat around and calculated that he would have to adopt the big hair
rock sound to be popular again. Everything about this record seems
forced and fake, and designed to appeal to airheaded, horny little
zit faced mullet wearing 12 years olds who wanted to, umm, rebel
(pandering to the lowest common denominator sector of society, no
doubt). If this is the sort of tripe headed our way in the wake of
newfound sobriety, then I’ll gladly pass him the Jack Daniels.
You’d think that even amidst a disc of such poor songwriting
that at least one or two diamonds in the rough could be found.
Nope! Not even close. Even
Pretties For You or the worst material from
Special Forces sounds majestic compared with the entire
running lengh of
Constrictor, and I haven’t even mentioned the asinine
production yet.
The production couldn’t possibly be any worse, and this on a
major label in 1986, when technology had vastly improved over
previous years? The sound is completely lifeless and dull. Even if
you turn it up it sounds like total shit. Not that you’d want to
offend your poor ears by exposing them to this muck at any volume
higher than “barely perceptible” though. Was it recorded straight
from the mixing board? The whole thing sounds like a long demo
tape, and combined with the awesomely half assed performances from
all of the band’s members, we’re talking about an album that
instantly deserves an existence for all eternity as a substitute
coaster at a humid, fly-swarmed, beer hall with beer soaked rotted
wood benches, wine-o’s lying face down on the floor in their own
piss, and with the aroma of fresh puke wafting through the air.
I do believe I’ve said my piece on the somehow fittingly titled
Constrictor. If you want to hear every last lunkheaded,
by-the-book 1980’s mainstream metal cliche, then you’ve just found
the Holy Grail, bub. If you’re looking for the intelligent and
inventive Alice Cooper, then do not walk away upon seeing this
album, but run with your life. ven the cover is a disgrace, with a
very fake looking photo of Alice in the classic make-up with a very
unconvincing looking superimposed snake wrapped around his
head.
I’ve read that Alice looks down upon 80’s shock rockers WASP
(who claim him as a big influence), saying their music and show has
no clever or innovative qualities to it, and is often a straight
rip-off of things that he has done in the past. He’s absolutely
right, but in 1986 he was a second rate WASP himself with this
release. Actually,
Constrictor is one of the worst albums I’ve ever heard,
period…in fact, it’s so disgustingly bad that I’m offended by
it’s very continued existence. Think a fifth rate Ratt, Poison,
Warrant, Great White, Winger, you name it…hey, wait a sec…Kip
Winger is the bass player on this turd! That speaks volumes.
Oh and by the way, this
isn’t Cooper’s worst album.