Published on Aug 26, 2003
For more than a decade, I have heard Celine Dion performances on
radio, on hold, in restaurants, in grocery stores, on my wife’s
stereo, etc., etc. She’s unavoidable, and as a result, my ear
canals have been victimized. Dion’s distinctive caterwaul is
unbearable. Specifically, when she reaches her peak notes, Celine’s
vocal inflection combined with her dreadful French-Canadian accent
has caused mental and physical trauma.
In an attempt to be completely masochistic, I stole
All The Way… A Decade Of Song from my better half. After
chaining myself into my listening chamber (the dungeon), I realized
there was no turning back until she returned. Good Lord, “The Power
of Love”! Oh my, this was her Air Supply cover! It’s my cross to
bear to admit that as a child I liked Air Supply, but I always
disliked this song. Immediately, I became ill with her brand of
screech-wrapped karaoke. Oh, the horror! It became worse when I
crossed the most dreadful cover ever of the Roberta Flack
classic”The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face.”
Between “The Power of Love” and “The First Time I Ever Saw Your
Face,” my sanity cackled at me. Fed radio hits and kitschy album
track fodder, the purging of my life’s force had been completed.
Knee deep in nacho cheese, the crippled soul of “I’m Your Angel,”
morbid adult contemporary of “My Heart Will Go On” and the
synthetic “Beauty And The Beast” made me lose an additional 15 lbs.
in sweat due to my intensifying shakes. I couldn’t take
anymore!
(*Breathes and breaks free*)
Although I learned that Dion does not caterwaul as frequently as
I thought, I also found that she created nothing. All of her
arrangements and vocals are obviously studio-dictated and
offensively bland. She does not write her own music and cannot be
confused with an “artist.”
In her defense, I read that Dion won a songwriting contest
before she became a successful singer. Considering that, she should
be able to write songs that do not focus on love or relationships
and/or sing covers that handle that same territory. She is a
product of production. Even the many producers who crafted one-hit
wonders in the disco era have taken that one single and displayed
more talent than she has in her entire career. Also, considering
her extremely spastic movements (allegedly performances) and
anti-pop idol appearance, it seems that she must have made a pact
with the adult contemporary devil himself… Michael Bolton.