Published on May 3, 1998
Okay, I admit it – when M.C. Hammer started infiltrating the
airwaves in 1990, I got hooked on the catchiness of “U Can’t Touch
This”. Thanks to a black roommate who barely tolerated me (and who
I thought was an asshole – I know, I worked with him in radio, and
he made my life hell), I got exposed to “Hammertime” thanks to
Arsenio Hall’s worshipping of the former Stanley Burrell.
Now, eight years after it came out,
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em sits collecting dust in the
Pierce Archives (Go Bulls), and after listening to it again last
week, the question I have to ask is: What the hell were all of us
thinking in 1990? This isn’t R&B, this isn’t even rap –
it’s crap.
M.C. Hammer hardly shows any creativity at all on this album.
Stealing blindly form Rick James (sampling “Super Freak” on “U
Can’t Touch This”), butchering an R&B classic by speaking – not
singing, mind you…
speaking – new lyrics to “Have You Seen Her?”, and dipping
into Prince’s catalog not once, but
twice, and managing to fuck it up each time.
An area where the lack of creativity is heard is in the raps
themselves. Hammer barely gets going with a rhyme when – bam! – he
returns to the chorus. It’s damned near impossible to get into any
of the songs on this album. Having said that, I will make one
exception – “Yo!! Sweetness” is a catchy number that did have me
pumping my fists in the air for about fifteen seconds, thanks to a
catchy chorus.
But Hammer’s claim to be the anti-gangsta rap doesn’t explain
the material’s sheer weakness. “Crime Story” hardly helps dilute
anything that N.W.A had said to this point, while Hammer’s PG-13
side comes out on “She’s Soft And Wet” – and if you believe this is
a story about someone who just got out of the swimming pool, I have
some videos I think you’d better spend some serious time with.
And when Hammer does get a somewhat interesting groove going, he
completely runs it into the ground with its redundance. “Pray”
could have been a good song had Hammer lengthened the verses, and
if he had cut the extended instrumental groove at the end by about
a minute. “Work This,” on the other hand, is beyond salvation –
it’s too damned irritating, as is “Dancin’ Machine,” which steals
from (of all people) the Jackson 5. Hey, Hammer, word of advice –
there’s a reason that Michael, Tito and the boys
sang the friggin’ chorus… speaking it really sucks.
It’s not that I’m anti-rap; quite the contrary. But
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em shows no real originality at
all in the pieces. Groups like Digital Underground knew how to
craft a song without relying on the samples. To Hammer, the sample
is the thing – bad idea. If you don’t have strong development to
back them up, samples don’t mean a thing. (Ironic that the
stranglehold that
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em had on the charts was broken by
Vanilla Ice, who did for rap music what Chernobyl did for the
Soviet Union.)
Hammer is supposedly ready to re-start his career with a new
album this year. If it’s anything like
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em, allow me to suggest a title:
Please, Hammer, Don’t Bother.