Published on Aug 23, 2004
[Editor’s note: There’s no way The Daily Vault
could expect its readers to read a scholarly analysis on The
Transformers – The Movie
soundtrack while keeping a straight face (the humor coming
either intentionally or unintentionally from the writer). It would
be like Harper’s
magazine reviewing the latest Star Trek
novel (though we’re most likely not Harper’s
-quality authors, but what do they know about music anyway?).
So, after some debate, it was agreed the best way to review this
album would be to put the text in the form of the nerdiest form of
literature in existence: fan-fiction (basically, fans writing
episodes for shows like The X-Files
or Star Wars
instead of the show/genre creators). Proceed at your own
risk.]
1:47 p.m.
Spike Witwicky was well aware of the 2 p.m. deadline he and his
robot friend, Jazz had to meet. If they failed to produce a great
piece of music to be the backdrop of Autobot leader Optimus Prime’s
speech to the world, the Autobots would likely be exiled to space
on orders from world leaders. CTU agents Jack Bauer and President
Palmer, of the United States, warned Spike that if the soundtrack
behind Optimus Prime’s speech was cheesy, weak and basically lame,
regardless of the nostalgia the music would invoke from listeners,
the balance of power would fall into the evil Decepticon’s hands.
Heroic robot Jazz was in his Porsche mode with Spike driving
through the busy Manhattan streets.
“Spike, we must use the soundtrack to
Transformers – The Movie. The movie defined who we were and
is a certified cult favorite. The soundtrack itself still moves
copies on Amazon and Ebay. And on top of that, special agent Fox
Mulder said it was one of his favorite CDs to listen to while
searching for alien life in rural Nebraska.”
Spike nervously wiped sweat off of his neck and pressed Jazz’s
brake, not wanting to get pulled over with the weight of the world
on his shoulder for the next 13 minutes.
“Yes, but …”
Jazz cut him off.
“And — the lyrics are inspirational for virtually all of the
songs. The opening song, ‘The Touch,’ by Stan Bush is about
achieving despite overwhelming odds. Bush’s other song, ‘Dare’ has
a great build up of drumming, synth and guitars to the memorable
chorus ‘Dare, dare to believe you can survive’ — it’s as inspiring
as any Christian rock song in recent memory.” Jazz paused
thoughtfully as his internal systems told him to pull off on the
next exit, “And I’ve heard so many kids and adults say they
automatically associate scenes in
Transformers – The Movie with the music.”
Spike nodded compassionately. He understood Jazz’s blind
optimism, but his years of working on oil rigs alerted him to a far
more prevalent trait of human behavior: cynicism. “Agreed, Jazz,
but association doesn’t make a song great. I remember the song
‘Dance Hall Days’ by Wang Chung, not because of its great song
structure, but because a jock pushed me into a punch bowl during
the back-to-school dance while that song was playing.” He
continued, “This wasn’t like
Magnolia or
The Graduate where music was the centerpiece of scenes. The
songs in
Transformers – The Movie are rife with virtually every
stereotype of pedestrian hard rock: overuse of synthesizers,
shrill, lyrics like ‘you gotta fight/never surrender/don’t give
up,’ which sound like they were ripped from signs high school
coaches hang in lockers. These songs were played while everyone’s
favorite characters in their favorite after-school cartoon were
getting killed in the movie.” Spike clinched his teeth and
concluded, “Plus, non-Transformers fans will recognize Stan Bush’s
song ‘The Touch’ as the song that Mark Wahlberg sang in
Boogie Nights during his fall from grace — they won’t
associate it with inspiration.” Spike formed his concluding
argument: “If we could use something that could combine cheesiness
and heart better, maybe the Chemical Brothers or The Flaming Lips
— their
Soft Bulletin or
Yoshimi period…”
“No, no, Spike. We have to play by the rules, we can’t play
anything before 1986, when this soundtrack was released, for the
United Nations. We gotta use the same resources and inspiration the
soundtrack creators had at that time.” Jazz pleaded, “Besides, it
has Weird Al Yankovic’s ‘Dare to be Stupid.’ No geek soundtrack is
complete without a Weird Al song.”
The United Nations came within the view. Spike white-knuckled
the steering wheel. He knew the soundtrack sucked. But he couldn’t
convince people not to buy it. Whether he liked it or not, most
people who owned the soundtrack knew they were getting cheese – and
they didn’t seem to mind. They even liked it. Maybe the soundtrack
wasn’t meant to be an artistic statement like
Magnolia,
Trainspotting or even
South Park – Bigger, Louder and Uncut. He grabbed Jazz’s
smart-looking receiver and spoke to Mulder, President Palmer, Jean
Grey and Scully, “The Autobots are going to use their soundtrack as
a backdrop to Optimus Prime’s speech. I have exhausted all means of
debate. The soundtrack is a sentimental favorite. But, I will be on
record against this soundtrack — despite the fact that, yes, if
you watch the movie — it will be nearly impossible to keep these
songs out of your head for literally decades, that doesn’t change
the fact that the soundtrack sucks. In fact… on a grade
scale…I would have to give it a…”
C-
1:59:58 1:59:59 2:00:00 …
Rating: C-